Rant: I don't feel good enough

Dear Internet Friend,

Every day I realize that people don't really care about me like they say they do.

My goal for this blog is to be an uplifting space but I would like to be honest here:

I'm not happy. About my creative projects including this blog, about myself, about my work performance, about my relationship with others. I don't think I genuinely was in a long time.

I've relapsed so many times into my toxic, negative patterns:

My inner critics are louder than ever. No matter what I do, there's always something to criticize. I'm naive, gullible. I believe lies. From everyone who tells me I'm doing good, that I'm worthy. OF WHAT? FOR WHAT? Why won't the darkness just leave me alone? When will be my breakthrough? Have I not already hit rock bottom? Do I have to be starving to the core or homeless for the universe to finally realize that I need help? When will someone finally hear me and stop telling me fluff?

It's always the same problem. Every. Single. Day, Weeks, Months, Years. I never really changed. What's the point of this life if I'm gonna feel like this until I die of old age or heartbreak. I've tried everything: affirmations, prayers, positive podcasts, music, writing, talking to someone. Nothing works. What am I doing wrong? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

I've already failed you guys (if anyone is reading). I've failed my youtube channel. I've failed everyone "who believes in me". I'm disappointing my past self.

I want to create. I want my work out there. I'm not seeking popularity but recognition. I want to make my readers feel like my favourite writers when I felt misunderstood.

What do you want?

Gosh, what do I want?:

To stop feeling inferior

To stop feeling like there's nothing truly out there for me.

Where I can thrive, with or without doubts

And not feel like I'm a waste of space

I want to go far away

Sell all my belongings and disappear

Where no one knows me and without social media

But there this fear that the darkness will follow me wherever I go

I don't feel good enough. Not even for myself.

That's it, Folks!

I know it was really dark! I was afraid to write this because I might push people away but this whole point of this blog is to be raw, authentic. I hope I don't abandon this project because I really want to see the progress of my writing.

Have a good rest of the week! Focus on you, stay hydrated and spread as much positivity as you can.

Thank you for existing.

- Luv, mademoisellea