The Fear of Falling Behind

Hello Internet friend,

Today marks the first day of a new month. For many of us, it symbolizes a new beginning, reset or completely different objectives. Even though you shouldn't wait until a new month arrives to start your goals, I think it's like starting the next chapter of a book (my fellow bookworms).

With social media, it is VERY easy to peek the grass of others. It can make or break it; motivate or demotivate you. My Instagram feed contains photographers, youtubers, girl bosses, celebrities, activist, positive accounts. I don't follow problematic accounts (celebrities, Youtubers, drama accounts, Instagram models). Always value quality over quantity. However, I do agree that social media (Youtube, Twiter, Tumblr, Instagram, etc) is very draining and can be, at times, toxic. The explore page is a different story. Comparison is one of the biggest "toxic" element of social media. The concept of comparing yourself to others has always existed but with the access of the internet, it's easy to look into other's lives.

Not gonna lie, when I see someone who is my age or younger who achieved so much already, it makes me question myself a lot. I had so much career ideas and started so many new hobbies that I never had the patience to continue. Sometimes I regret not to continue that "drive" because I questioned whether it's really meant for me. I am a religious person and so I believe that GOD created me with a purpose. To be honest, I've fallen off so many times and when I was down, being the prey of fear, insecurities, and impatience is easy.

The choice to go to post-secondary was 100% my choice (even though being in school was hard for me). I don't know what made me want to post-secondary so bad. So I did... Graduated last October and now... nothing. I had a job of being a school photographer from September to November, a part-time job (started as a seasonal sales associate), and for a very short period of time, I was a "blogger" for this tech company. I knew that having a job right away in your field wasn't guaranteed after graduating. Being unemployed really messes up with your mind and self-worth. There are people who never went to college to study what I did and are killing it. So what about me? Did I waste my time and dive into student debt for no reason? So many of my former classmates have jobs in the field and it makes me feel like a loser. I felt out of place since the first day of orientation (Yikes I know!).

I keep seeing quotes about slowing down and stop worrying about not having everything figured out. But how NOT to worry? We basically need money to live. What if my dreams aren't really mine; the purpose I was given. I will be 21 next month and like every other millennial and early stage of Gen Z, being confused about life and my purpose is one of the biggest issues.

It is very easy to assume others are doing better than you by just "looking out the window". We don't know how many hardships they had to go through or currently living in. We don't know how many time they were told "No" before a "Yes". We don't know how much work they put into their craft. They found their passion/purpose early in life and some find it a little later.

4 months in 2019 and still not where I want to be. I don't have a stable income e.g I can't further my driving lessons, purchase the MacBook Pro (been trying to save for at least 2 years and was really close to getting it on Boxing Day), saving up for retirement, travelling, getting my own place, purchase my custom Range Rover, etc. Man, I can literally imagine myself living my dream (no joke 24/7) but at the same time, is it really what I was made for?

When will be my turn? When will be the day where GOD whispers my calling in my sleep or leaves my hints? What if my career path completely changes? What if GOD has always been giving me hints but by fear I've ignored or rejected them?

You're actually gonna make it through and everything will turn out just fine!

Thank you for exisiting,

- Luv, Mademoisellea