Self-awareness: Recognizing my own toxic behaviour and finding ways to improve

Hello internet friends,

There are millions of videos/articles/podcasts on ways to recognize a toxic person in your life and how to get rid of them.

We are the first to point fingers but we also tend to forget ourselves and our own toxicity.

I am aware that I’m not a perfect person. This world is so cold and evil but despite it all, I’m still a caring softie. It really took some long alone time to think about my energy and personality. Despite the fact that I'm always alone and "in my head", I can't escape the thought generated by my mental illnesses. That itself is scary because it makes you believe some dark stuff and triggers your symptoms and insecurities. I would read my rants after I’ve calmed down and realized some hurtful truths about my behaviours.

This is me, being self aware about my toxic behaviours:

Feeling like people hate me

The problem

I used to hate the word "insecurity". It made me feel some type of way. Everytime I would hear or see the word, I would think of a bully since it's usually associated with the "I" word. But the older I got the more I realized that I was insecure. Not to say I wasn't before it's nearly impossible to be 100% confident.

From a young age, I had confidence and self eesteem issues. Being a POC is hard already, the steriotypes follow you everywhere. Breaking new: black woman are the least appreviated in society. So feeling like everyone secretly hates me is reccuringly strong. Thanks to anxiety, it made me isolated. It's easier for me to remove myself, feeling like a burden even if I ask a question, favor, or greeting. When I started making friends, "it" would tell me that they only befriend me out of petty, that they secretly hate me and I'm just a second choice. I know it's all in my head and it may not be true. What people think of me is none of my business.

The solution

Verbalize:

For my mutual friendships, I tell them how I feel. Sometimes when I am feeling like this way, it takes me time to work on the courage to tell them what's wrong. When I'm ready to tell them what's been goung on with me, I become afraid that they may worry that I'm insecure with our friendship. When they take no offence to it, the reassurance and support brings me peace.

Affirmations:

I found some good ones in this website (I have changed the pronoun to make it more personal)

• My self worth is not defined by how many friends I have.

• Just because I don't talk to certain people every single day, that doesn't mean they have stopped caring about me

• If someone tells me they care and shows me, believe them

• Don't let your anxiety become an excuse to keep yourself isolated

Negative Self Talk

credit: @losethings from WeHeartIt

The problem

Biggest bully, we are our own worst enemy. It kinda related to the point above. Hypocritical of me because I don't have the capacity to treat others the way I treat myself. Negative thoughts are an umbrella term -- a lot can fall in this category. Self-criticism is normal but it has grown towards self-loathing. I can say that I am a pessimist still holding on an invisible rope called hope. Hope that one day, I can overcome this toxic behaviour and live my life just like the girl in my daydreams. The negative thoughts are so loud all the time. Inferiority complex is Self-Loathing's sidekick. Pretty unfair.

I never really realized what I was doing until I found the word "self-loathing". Essentially, self-loathing is a synonym to self-hatred. I have connected the dots. Those thoughts came from what I was hearing at home and some way manifested. I've always joked about it as a cry for help.

Few examples of negative thoughts:

• Damn no wonder no one likes you, you're so ugly.

• Why am you so stupid?

• Don't you see? Nobody cares about you

• Maybe life isn't for you.

• Stop gaining weight! Why can't you maintain the weight?

• Why was I not born an extrovert?

• Forget it, I can never acheive that

• That's great but you could've done better

The solution

Ah well, counselling and Google helps. I'm far from overcoming it but I can say I'm doing better (sometimes). Accepting compliments and stop apologizing is NOT easy. I just have to remember that progress isn't linear and I will need to relapse a couple more times before I get it right.

Perfectionism

Photo by Jonathan Hoxmark on Unsplash

The problem

Being an immigrant's daughter is a challenge because they expect me to be better. They keep telling me That's great but you should get an A, Be top of your class like I was, or why didn't you win this? I have a younger brother and I needed to show that I was smart so he wouldn't walk over me and bully me. That's the root of my perfectionism. It got to the point of paralysis, where nothing gets done at all for fear of failure. I set the bar too high and when I inevitably fail to achieve it, I punish myself or procrastinate. I am aware that mistakes actually help people grow and develop professionally and personally but I feel embarrassed to be perceived as an amateur. Abanding projects goes hand and hand with procrastination because I rather abondon it then making a crappy projects. Pointing out errors is a sport -- obessing over smallest details which wastes my time and burns me out. Which results feeling like a failure because I could've used this time to complete it. Most of the time, it triggers my anxiety becuse I would be overthinking instead of enjoying what I'm doing. The more I postpone the deadline, they less interested I am to finish it and just want to get over with it.

The solution

I don't have a concrete solution for this one because it's a powerful trait but reminding myself that I am a "work-in-progress" helps. There's always room for improvement in the future but for now, I try to do the best I can and put my work out there. It's much healthier to accept myself this way. My friend once told me: If you don't put out my work, how would you see your progress?

Wanting to be perfect or doing things flawlessly is just in my head. Everyone started as a beginner. I shouldn't be comparing my level 1 to someone's level 20. If I stay consistent, I will be on top just like them.

For my creative artwork and homework (writing, filmmaking,photography): Even if the result isn't 100% what I envisioned, I leave it as it is. The irritation will fade eventually. I can always make a part 2 or update it. If I don't release my work, how would I see my progress or be able to receive constructive criticism?

Interrupting

The problem

This one is the most heartbreaking truth about myself. The worst part is that no one ever told me what I was doing. I wasn't like this before my mid teenage years. I blame group chats. Why? Because you always have to be on top of the conversation and say what I need to say before it dies down. It hit me hard when I realized what I was doing. I was like Damn, do I really do that? I detest feeling responsible for hurting someone's feelings. I don't have ADHD but there's a lot going on up there. I tempt to forget what I want to say so I try to let it out before they disappear. However, interrupting is NOT a good method.

The solution

• I try to bit my tongue more often. Friendship is scarce in my life and I don't want to be the cause of a separation that could've been avoided if I wait until they finish talking.

• Looking up solutions on Google.

• Not everything needs a solution. Ironically, I am a listener, not an advice giver. I've been scared to be perceived as stupid because I don't have a response to things.

That's it folks!

I apologize for not being active since my last post. This post was hard to write because I am being vulnerable (exposing myself) but its part of the Self Discovery/Love journey. Reminder: I am not a perfect person (no one is) nor try to be and none of those behaviours are attentional. I am actively working on each and every single one of them daily. I really hope this entry was inspirational and eye-opening. Have an amazing week. Focus on you, stay hydrated and spread as much positivity as you can.

Thank you for exisiting,

- Luv Mademoisellea